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Are we negotiating, arguing, or did I just get manipulated?

Posted on Jan 14th, 2009 by Laura  : Associate Consultant Laura
Negotiating
"Maxx, I said NO". 

"But mom," he calmly continues, presenting yet another ingenious point to add to his argument in an attempt to solidify his case for whatever he wants.  

My son loves to negotiate.  

And he's good at it.  

Other parents have even commented on it, sometimes adding the descriptor 'manipulate'', which fortunately, or unfortunately, he's also quite good at.  

Good negotiation skills are important to master, and I've encouraged Maxx to develop his skills by inviting him to negotiate.  Maxx is quite emotionally intense, and he used to just dissolve into tears or whining when he didn't get what he wanted.  As he began to get old enough to understand the concept I told him - whining will get you nothing with me, with your friends, or out in the world.  Give me a good reason, and I might change my mind.

Yesterday morning:

Mom, can I have $3.75 for lunch today?

No, I've bought groceries, make your lunch.

But mom....and the arguments began to be presented.  I'm hesitant to share with you the series of points he presented because I'm still wondering if he negotiated successfully, or if he just manipulated me into providing him with the money he wanted to buy lunch.

There are times when I say clearly - we are NOT negotiating this, and these are the reasons why....

(this post has yet to be completed - comments on this topic welcomed as I continue to clarify my own thoughts on this :) 
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Is it me, or is it him?

Posted on Jan 7th, 2009 by Laura  : Associate Consultant Laura
Boy_angel
I can't quite figure out what the shift has been, but I like it.  

We had some tough moments over the holidays.  Put it down to too much sugar, raging hormones (his AND mine), that annoying 'sense of entitlement' that all to often pervades his outlook on life - whatever fueled the fires, they flared up, scorching our hearts a few times the last couple weeks.

We have a pattern, my boychild and I.  (reminds me of the pattern I had with his father - oyvay - so who's pattern IS this anyway?).

Emotional flare-up, loud exchanges, wind down with tears, apologies, 'honeymoon' phase of remorse - and then finally, a calm conversation that results in a meeting of the minds and hearts.  

After the really intense exchanges over the holidays, Maxx and I had some clarifying heart to heart talks, and although I'm almost holding my breath a bit - he seemed to really HEAR me.  

I didn't really ask for much - mutual respect, an understanding that we're all in this together - running the household, sharing space, sharing our lives as well as our home.  I asked for a bit more awareness of what he receives, and reminded him that it's a really, really good thing to ask "Is there anything I can do to help" - just once in awhile.  

Lo and behold - there's been an almost magical shift in attitude, demeanor and household participation.  

He's been an angel.  

....and I'm accepting this at face value, even if it may seem a bit naive to do so.  

I'm affirming the behaviour, giving (and getting) a LOT of hugs and exchanging a lot of "I love you's".  

So Be it.  


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Tagged with: teens, harmony, hearts, love

Simple snowy fun....

Posted on Jan 4th, 2009 by Laura  : Associate Consultant Laura
Maxx and Cole's igloo


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Tagged with: snow, fun, kids, teens, parenting

The Truth, the Whole Truth, and nothing seems to be the Truth....

Posted on Dec 20th, 2008 by Laura  : Associate Consultant Laura
Truth_image
Ok, so perhaps leaving him unsupervised last night, with two friends here to egg him on was not the wisest parenting choice.  

However, it IS the holiday season, and I do also have a life beyond parenting.  

Or perhaps, right now - I don't.  

My beloved and I left the boychild home with two friends while we went out for a brief round of two social gatherings within 10 blocks of home.  Figured he couldn't get into too much trouble while we were having dinner.

Or could he?

Shortly after arriving at the party, we received a cell call from the boychild, innocently asking when we'd be home.  "Why", I asked - obviously suspicious.  "Just wondering", he replied.  Hmmm...."well", I responded, " you should expect me to come through the door any moment - so behave accordingly".

Another cell call - one of my husband's colleagues who was bussing to the office dinner gathering we were at had overshot her bus stop and was calling for a lift.  Husband heads out to pick her up, and there's the boychild, with one of the friends.....out and about, without permission, sledding in the snow down a VERY busy, but temptingly steep, snow covered road. 

So today we'll have yet another conversation about what the TRUTH means, and how deception is lying and figure out how to reign in this wildchild yet a bit more.

Love this writer's take on teens - something to be learned here:

http://www.tribuneindia.com/2001/20011216/spectrum/main4.htm

When I debriefed the flow of events with my son, he admitted he'd felt guilty the entire time he was slipping and sliding down the hill, knowing that he'd crossed a boundary by heading out without permission.  

We subsequently had a lengthy conversation reviewing the more subtle elements of truth-telling, and why it's important to be 100% clear in order to have others trust you.

The sad truth?  He, like many of his friends, think that occasional lying to parents is just part of being a teen.  

So how does a parent deal with that reality?  

That's a big part of my parenting journey these days.  
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Tagged with: truth, teens

Accessing resources.....

Posted on Dec 17th, 2008 by Laura  : Associate Consultant Laura
Yesterday I contacted the North Shore Stress and Anxiety Clinic to book an appointment for Maxx.  After the high school teacher recommended the clinic, I'd toured their website and was enthused about their multi-disciplinary approach.

They have a one to two year wait list.  
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Taming the Worry Dragons

Posted on Dec 16th, 2008 by Laura  : Associate Consultant Laura
I am so tired this morning.  

Maxx was at the foot of my bed twice last night, struggling with his middle of the night worry demons.   

It's been awhile since I've curled up to him, stroking his forehead, soothing him back to sleep after a bad dream.  Not surprising that the events of this past week would interrupt his sleep.  

Yesterday I met with Jill, the resource teacher, to discuss his first semester report card, and to explore the available resources available.  She mentioned that she'd observed signs of anxiety in him during their last tutorial.  

Maxx has struggled with anxiety since he was in early elementary school, and has had many interactions over the years with various counsellors with varying degrees of successful outcomes.  

Perhaps anxiety is an underlying contributor to his inability to accept help at school, to work effectively with the T.A.'s and resource teachers, and part of the reason for his deep dive into alcohol consumption on the weekend.

Statistics indicate that 13% of the N. American population struggles with anxiety disorders, and they're often linked with ADHD.  

Next step for me in this parenting journey is to link in with the North Vancouver Stress and Anxiety Clinic.
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Tagged with: anxiety, school, teens

A sad truth

Posted on Dec 14th, 2008 by Laura  : Associate Consultant Laura
Drunk_teen_image
This is so difficult for me to write about, in part because I don't want to believe it.  

My 13 yr. old son is experimenting with alcohol and pot.  

I don't know why it's been so difficult for me to see the truth, as I myself was a drug and alcohol user and abuser as a teen - starting even younger than my son.

Perhaps that's part of my own truth - my fear of my son going down that path has kept me in a state of denial.  Even though I've questioned him repeatedly, I've chosen to believe the half truths and the deception.   

On Friday night I picked him up from a friend's house at 10:30.  He staggered to the door in a frightening state of inebriation.  As I drove him home, he was passing out and vomiting all over himself.  Concerned that he might be suffering from alcohol poisoning, I drove him directly to the nearby firestation.  The firemen were so supportive - comforting me while they checked out his pulse, his blood pressure, stripping his vomit soaked clothing from him, dressing him in one of their old shirts.

We decided he'd vomited enough of the contents of his stomach to bring him home, rather than taking him to the hospital - he'd essentially pumped his own stomach.

I managed to wrestle his limp body from the car, guiding him into the house, and onto the couch, propping him on his side with pillows behind him.   With tears streaming down my face, I found myself remembering propping him into this position as a baby so he wouldn't choke if he spit up after I'd nursed him.

How did we get here?  

....and why am I feeling like such a failure as a parent right now?  

The next morning I heard my son say all those things I said as a hungover teen, all those statements that so many abusers of substances have muttered while suffering the consequences of their choices the night before.  

"never again, why do people do this, I'll never drink like that again...."

And as the day unfolded, more and more of his truth emerged - the truth of how much the teens in his social group are drinking, how much they're smoking pot, and how he's struggled with the peer pressure.

Now what?  

What are my next steps as a parent?  

How do I protect my son from the world?  How do I keep him from making the same stupid choices I made?  

It took me until my late 20's to wake up, smarten up, and to enter a program of recovery and self discovery.  Between the ages of 12, when I began my substance abuse, and 27 when I entered recovery, I'd almost died several times from overdoses, had driven my car drunk, had sex with people I wish I'd never had sex with.

When my son woke yesterday morning, looking at his body and wondering how he ended up wearing a fireman's shirt, was this the beginning of a series of these kind of mornings, or is this his wake up call?  

Can he, can we, shift the trajectory of his journey together?  

Today, as he's over at his dad's (a recovering addict and an addiction counsellor) I'm shedding a few tears, grounding myself and preparing for him to return to my home tomorrow and to face the truth.

My 13 year old son is already experimenting with alcohol and pot.
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Report Card Day

Posted on Dec 12th, 2008 by Laura  : Associate Consultant Laura
Mban2044l
My son is in his first year of high school.  

Yesterday was report card day.  

I arrived home to find a morose teen slouched on the couch.  

We had plenty of forewarning that this wasn't going to be a stellar review of academic achievement, but actually reading through the remarks and seeing the failing marks brought both of us to a new low point.  

Maxx is designated within the public school system as a gifted/learning disabled student.  I was also one of those, although not identified as LD - just seen by the system as an underachieving gifted student.  

During the past several years I've tried to understand how the school system can acommodate students who are challenged by attention deficit, and am still struggling with finding a clear pathway through the maze.

All his teachers know he's ADHD, and yet they continue to write, "needs to focus more" and "is easily distracted" on his report card.  

Sigh....even I find myself repeating those dreaded phrases, in frustration and exhausted by trying to corral my son's irrepressible, but rarely directed energy.

He did get an A in drama :) 

Hmmmm......wonder if I can find him an agent?  

So - we cried, we both yelled out our frustration, we made commitments to one another about what's next, and then we made dinner together, laughed together as we played a game cleaning up the kitchen.

Today I'll contact the teachers of the classes he's failing, and try to navigate the system, figuring out new ways of supporting my amazing son in becoming more self-responsible, more confident of his abilities, and in finding his own path within this wonderful, yet often challenging journey of education.





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Projecting Parenting Fears

Posted on Dec 5th, 2008 by Laura  : Associate Consultant Laura

 

            I had a parenting ‘aha’ moment yesterday.  While navigating between two separate but equally intense conversations with my son’s father, and his step-father (my husband) I found myself reflecting upon how much we project our own fears onto our children.

            My ex-husband is a former addict.  He’s now three years into solid recovery, and is completing an addiction counseling certificate program.  He frets constantly about our son’s potential drug use. 

            My husband is a scholar – highly respected in his field, but he dropped out of high school at age 15, and didn’t go back to school until his late 20’s.  He frets constantly about Maxx’s academic achievement, or lack thereof.

            I was a teenage rebel, and fret constantly that the occasionally fierce parenting style of my son’s dad and step-dad are going to push our teen to rebelling as fiercely as I did. 

            …..do we really just project our fears of our worst case scenario of reality onto our children? 

            ……and what is the best way to discipline a teen with learning difficulties and a genetic predisposition to addiction without projecting our fears of the worst possible outcome onto him? 

Some interesting reading on this topic:

http://www.naturalchild.com/sidney_craig/permissive.html

http://www.naturalchild.com/sidney_craig/punishment.html

I’d welcome your thoughts, experiences and resources on this topic.  

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Parenting headaches.....

Posted on Dec 3rd, 2008 by Laura  : Associate Consultant Laura
Cluster-headache
Maxx has a headache this morning.  Is it the math test he's supposed to be writing, or is this a 'real' headache?  

 


From:  ttp://www.aafp.org/afp/20020215/625.html

Causes of Acute Headache in Children


Upper respiratory tract infection, with or without fever
Sinusitis
Pharyngitis
Meningitis (viral or bacterial)
Migraine
Hypertension
Substance abuse (e.g., cocaine)
Medication (e.g., methylphenidate [Ritalin], oral contraceptives, steroids)
Intoxicants (e.g., lead, carbon monoxide)
Ventriculoperitoneal shunt malfunction
Brain tumor
Hydrocephalus
Subarachnoid hemorrhage
Intracranial hemorrhage

Other general therapeutic measures include identifying and removing headache triggers, regulating lifestyle, and instituting behavioral therapies. Common triggers in children include disrupted sleep, skipped meals, analgesic overuse, and stress. Behavior therapies such as relaxation techniques, stress management, and biofeedback have proved efficacious.

The role of diet in the management of acute-recurrent headache is controversial. It is unrealistic to impose elimination diets in most children and even more so in adolescents. A rational approach is to provide caregivers with a list of potential dietary precipitants, including cheese, processed meats, chocolate, nuts, pickles, and monosodium glutamate, and ask them to watch for a possible temporal link between the child's headache and any of these dietary components. Banning any or all of these food items is unreasonable unless there is a clear association between a food item and the onset of headaches.

Caffeine, however, warrants special mention, and efforts should be made to moderate its use. If a child or adolescent is consuming many caffeinated soft drinks or several cups of coffee daily, consideration should be given to the possible role of caffeine as a contributing factor to headache. Caffeine abuse or withdrawal can precipitate headaches in adolescents. In addition, analgesic compounds with caffeine have a demonstrated association with rebound headache.17,18

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Tagged with: parenting, teens, headaches
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